Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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