If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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