You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
