if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
