I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
