He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
