You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
