Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
