considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
