Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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