Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize