My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
