I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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