i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
