I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
