I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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