his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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