and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
