he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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