Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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