and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
