We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
