the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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