i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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