It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
