So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
