anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
