I wanna passion pit in your ass
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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