Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
