yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
