I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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