can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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