My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
