I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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