god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize