cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
