Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
