Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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