My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
