3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
