I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
