Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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