I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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