I heard we made out
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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