meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i came on her dog
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
