He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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