So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize