I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
