I faked an abortion last night.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
