The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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