they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
