Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
