Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
