It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
