my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Im part way to drunk.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
