so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
