Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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