I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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