proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
